Five Years

I've been thinking a lot about Noah lately.  I can hardly believe it's been five years since we had to say good-bye to him.  Somedays I wish more than anything I could just wrap my arms around him if only for a few minutes.  His smile still warms my heart and some days I can still feel his little hand in mine as we would walk hand in hand.  I still miss him everyday....I love you, Noah and I miss you so very much!

Time for an Update

It has been a long time since I have updated my blog! I read my last post from last October and figured it was time to update those that don't read my facebook! We ended up spending 74 DAYS in the hospital last fall. We went in on August 21st and came home on November 1st. This last year has brought many changes in our life. Lauren walked into the hospital last August and we rolled her out in a wheelchair. We came home to a hospital bed, a wheelchair, a walker, and a potty chair beside her bed. We had to convert our garage into a downstairs room, turning it into a big room for the kids, with the storage room off to the side into Emily's bedroom. We built an art space for Lauren (with doors on it at Mom's request :) ) so that Lauren would have a space to work on her endless art projects. We found at that visit that after doing numerous testing that the reason Lauren could walk one day and then not the next was from a chronic deterioration of the nerves in her body along with some of the muscles. The biopsy showed that it wasn't acute and that over the years, some of the nerves had deteoriated to the point that it just overwhelmed her system. She began by not being able to feel her feet, and in the last year, the numbness has moved up to right under her hip! We have done everything humanly possible to figure out what is causing this on top of her GSD. Dr. M now, along with many other doctors, believes that she has a second genetic condition on top of her GSD; however, they do not know what it is. The pediatric pain team has been involved with her care for the last year and regulate all her medications to help her get the best possible pain relief. Some days she can't even get out of bed. We are learning to appreciate the good moments and get thru the not good ones the best we can. Lauren's faith is amazing and she continues to amaze us and the doctors with her amazing courage and faith. She had the opportunity back in March to speak at the Stake Standards night on faith and overcoming challenges. She spoke to a group of around 700. It was a very spiritual and uplifting experience to hear her share her faith and watch as she was wheeled onto the podium to speak. It was touching for Jeff and I to see our stake president kneel beside her and hold the microphone while she spoke. It was a tender moment of love and service that we hold dear to our hearts. This year we have faced having to have not only a j-tube for Lauren to feed her thru her intestines but she is now also hooked to an IV 24 hours a day to help maintain her bloodsugars. It's been tough for her and for us. We have prayed and asked the Lord to help her regain the use of her legs and prayed for answers on what is causing her health to decline. Jeff has given her blessings and we have petitioned the Lord thru fasting and prayer. I remind her often to read her patriartical blessing and remember the promises the Lord has given her. She is making some progress these days; however, she has right foot drop so bad caused from the peripheral neuropathy that even after several procedures, it is looking like surgery will be our next option. They will go in and cut the tendon and ligaments in her ankle to stretch them so they can improve the foot drop. She is nervous when we mention it but we are trying to prepare her. They have decided she needs to have some more independence with mobility so they brought out different motorized chairs and scooters for her to try. We have settled on one that will meet the needs that she has and she is happy about it. It will be a couple of months before we get the chair between getting approval from insurance and getting it all in order. We recently bought a van and now will have to have it upfitted to fit the new chair. Even with all the major changes and challenges, we have found overwhelming blessings thru it all. We were able to do the room addition thru the Cap-C program and recently found out that we also can upfit our van thru the Cap-C program as well. It will be a huge blessing for us again. Michael spent a few days in the hospital last week as he got a stomach bug and we had to rush him in and he was admitted for a couple of days until he got better! In the midst of all of this; however, we are finding that we see the Lord's hand more clearly and are trying to be more obedient and faithful. We have been able to get nighttime nursing care for Lauren five nights a week from 11 to 7 and on Friday nights we got help from 7 pm to 7 am which allows Jeff and I to attend the temple every Friday night. It's been the biggest blessing of all! Jeff stays busy in his calling on the high council and Emily attends the singles ward. Since they meet later in the day it allows me an opportunity on most Sundays to at least attend Sacrament meeting for which I am grateful. Mornings are not good for Lauren so it's rare that she gets to attend church. Her young women's group are wonderful and they text her and send cards often. They will be coming here this Wednesday night for an activity just so they can be with her. It's so great to see the love and bond she forms with her YW group. Emily has had a great first year of college and excelled in all of her classes. She will have one more year to go and then she will be a licensed massage therapist. She is excited and her dad expects to be one of her first patients..haha! We are very proud of her and all her hard work. Michael starts highschool this year..sniff,sniff...not ready for him to be so grown up! We think of and miss our precious Noah everyday but often feel his presence and know he is with us. I went thru a bout with pneumonia in March and it took me EIGHT weeks to recover! Part of it was because of my stubbornness in not slowing down but I felt I had so much to take care of there was no time left over. Getting up every 4 hours to take care of Lauren's needs, cleaning the house, cooking, doing laundry, teaching seminary, and trying to find ways to serve others finally took it's toll on me. I FINALLY rested and got better and now I pay more attention to when I need to rest. Having the five nights of nursing care has been a wonderful help! The Lord continues to pour out blessings to us! This has kinda been the last year in a shortened version..we have had many ups and downs, disappointments, and triumphs but overall we are weathering the storms and will come out on top! To all of you who have prayed, fasted, and put our names on temple rolls...thank you! We love you so much! This year on our annual vacation it was particularly hard as we faced new challenges with Lauren and it was the fifth anniversary of Noah's death. Somehow, it was harder for me than usual. My wonderful husband gave me strength as always and I enjoyed spending time with my extended family! Life, for the most part, is good and we continue to move forward with complete faith in the Lord's plan!

Still here....

I can't believe it is October 8th and we are still in the hospital. So many unexpected things have happened this hospital visit. Lauren has had some HUGE obstacles to overcome and I am wondering if things will ever completely return to normal. She is still not able to put any weight on her fegs as the pain from even walking a few steps is enormous and then she becomes very unsteady and her legs give way underneath her. We are getting somewhat of a handle on the stomach pain and are able to slowly begin her feeds again. While we seem to be getting on top of one problem, the one with her legs seems to be getting harder and harder. We still have not heard anything back from the nerve and muscle biopsies (not that I am holding out much hope for answer there anyway) but it would be nice to know if there was anything at all there that could point them in the right direction. At this point, they are just trying to help her deal with the pain and get her back on her feeds so we can go home (hopefully that will happen in the next two weeks if all goes perfectly as planned!) They aren't even trying to figure out the leg pain at this point or I don't feel like that is even something they are concentrating on. All they tell me is that it is some type of neuropathy. They haven't been able to tell me what caused it or if it will get better so we are left with no answers there. We will likely have to go home with a wheelchair for her as well as a walker as we work toward getting her to be able to walk on her own again. She has been very discouraged (obviously) and I hope that things will improve once we get her back on her feeds and home again. I hate not having a clear plan or answers but I am trying to learn to be patient as we seek the Lord's direction. My heart just feels so heavy right now even though I am trying to do everything I can to be obedient. I know things will get better.....I just wish they were getting better now! I just miss my family right now and wish Lauren and I were back home. There have just been too many twists and turns in the road for me lately.

Crazy week.....

This past week in the hospital has been crazy, crazy, crazy! Lauren came in 2 weeks ago with a bad migraine that radiated to her stomach. She was put on an IV to rest her GI system and they tried out different things to relieve her migraine. They decided to try her on Topamax (a medication to help keep her from getting migraines so bad). She was started on the medication last Saturday...by the next evening she was so dizzy that she could not stand! All last week, she had to be helped to the bathroom and had to use a wheelchair to go anywhere else. The dizziness also made her very nauseous. I finally convinced the doctors (since Dr. M was out of the country) to take her off the new medication. They did on Thursday and I hoped her dizziness would improve...it did not. They called in Neurology to try and help us figure out what is causing Lauren to be so dizzy. I got frustrated with them over the week-end and was elated today when Dr. Muenzer got back into town! He met with the neurologist and her GI doctor to discuss what is going on with Lauren and what they can do. The neurologist told us that Lauren doesn't have any sensation in the bottom of her feet and they want to do more testing to see what might be going on. She had an MRI but it looked normal (thank goodness). They still need to figure out what is causing Lauren to be dizzy...I am still not convinced that it wasn't the medicine and it is just going to have to work it's way out of Lauren's system. At any rate, everyone is putting their heads together to figure out how to get Lauren thru this and back to normal. We have already been here two weeks and I fear we may be here for a couple of weeks longer given what is going on. I am hopeful we will get to the bottom of this quickly though and we can go home very soon! it has been crazy around here though the last week or so and seeing Dr. Meunzer today was like manna from Heaven for me! Hopefully they will be able to get to the bottom of what has been going on with her so we can get it resolved! Life keeps us hopping all the time!!!

Back to our second home.....

Even after all these years of going in and out of hospitals, I still don't like to work hospital visits into our life when I am planning for a school year or just putting us on a schedule. I should though...because we are always coming in to the hospital and if I put a plan together for when we come in then it would be easier to deal with. I actually tried to do that this time. I feel like I am in a better place because of that.....hospital visits are still not fun and I STILL wish that we could actually come in to the hospital and leave in a reasonably short amount of time but I know that is not the case so I tried really hard this time to plan for the actual time that we will be here. Planning to stay a long time does not mean by any means that I want to be here that long but it makes me not get so anxious as the days wear on. Lauren has been doing AMAZINGLY well this hospital visit but today she is starting to wane a little. They have not been able to get her migraine or stomach pain under control and that is proving to be wearing on her some. She knows it will get better...she just doesn't know when and that can take it's toll. But...she is trying to stay optimistic about it and that is half the battle! I love my family for their patience as we trudge thru yet another long stay.....we will get thru this one like we have all the others...with love, patience, and faith!

Grown up!

I have been thinking the last 2 weeks a lot about how fast time is flying by! My kids are all growing up faster than I would like and seeing Emily entering college and going off to Institute each week is making me feel like "where did all the time go?" I didn't realize until recently one day when I was looking at Emily that she is all grown up! I'm so proud of the beautiful, spiritual, well rounded young woman she has become. She reminds me so much of her dad in her quiet, gentle strength. There are so many things that I want to make sure she understands and knows and I wonder if we have instilled in her all that she needs to be successful in life. I remember when she was born and I would wonder what it would be like when she graduated from highschool and now that I am here, it seems like the years went way too fast. I think about those years and a big part of me wishes I had them back and wishes I could have done some things much better but I am so thankful she has turned out so well! In one week Michael will turn 13 and I will have all teenagers! Life continues to move forward whether I want to stop it or not and I hope and pray that we can continue to teach our children correct principles and that all of them will one day be able to govern themselves and be the righteous, faithful adults we are trying so hard to send out into the world! Emily is now beginning adult life and I am so blessed to be able to say that we are sending her out into the world with a firm, unshakeable testimony and a strong desire to do the Lord's will in her life. Her roots are planted firmly in the ground, now it is time for me to let go and give her the wings she so richly deserves!!!

4 Years!

It's been 4 years since I had to say good-bye to my precious little boy. I still miss the sound of his voice and I miss him everyday! I wish I could see him....if only for a minute.

Sometimes....

Sometimes there are no words to express the feelings in my heart....there are many times I experience things while Lauren is in the hospital that squeeze my heart and bring me many tears but I rarely share those times....sometimes because they are sacred, sometimes because they are too tender to share, and sometimes there is no way to express those feelings in words. I oft times use too many words and I think about Noah when he would say, "no more words, Mommy"...sometimes, we just have to trust in the Lord and walk forward with blind, total faith. Those times are hard and each step is painful and at sometime in the future, we will understand.....but for now there are no words.....

Emotional....

I know we come to the hospital a lot and I am grateful for all the love and help that we receive from so many, especially everyone on 6 childrens at UNC Childrens. They are wonderful and amazing and my heart is always touched by their outpouring of love and attention to Lauren. I am also very thankful for her fantastic doctor who fusses over her as if she was his own..they are true blessings; however there are also reasons why I HATE coming into the hospital....it always stirs up painful memories for me. I do not like seeing my child in pain and having to watch that process and feeling helpless is very hard for me and the pain of losing Noah always bubbles right back up to the surface and my emotions can easily erupt...I hate that! I try so hard to keep everything in perspective but there is always that moment when things are calm during the night that the tears come and the pain returns. I deal with it like I always do but somedays, like today, my heart feels tender and as I look at other little ones on the floor, I long to be able to hug and see my little boy. It's just a wish and then I manage to tuck the pain back inside and move ahead again. Hospitals bring out my emotions and I don't always like having to deal with them while I am trying to get Lauren better. I'll be glad when we are finally able to go home again!

COUNTDOWN TO VACATION.....

Well, it seems like each year we are racing the clock to get on vacation and here we are again...Lauren was brought back into the hospital last Wednesday for hopefully what would be a short visit to get her stomach pain under control...well, I don't know why I EVER expected it to be a short visit! Bless her heart, her stomach just does not cooperate with any of us. Today the doctors are planning to scope her (upper and lower) to see if there is anything there that might be new or they missed. If they don't find anything, then they will reassess her and try to figure out how to get this stomach pain under control. At any rate, I told Dr. M yesterday that we are on the countdown to vacation....as of today it is 26 days to vacation.....we are gonna make it...everyone count and pray with us!!! :) Hopefully Lauren will be up and feeling better very soon....that's what I am praying for! Love you all!!!

Ready for the Summer!

The last month has been a rollercoaster in our family and definitely has me looking forward to summer! After Lauren's snafu with the med port on the j-tube and getting thru that, then Michael got sick with a bug and his blood sugar dropped dangerously low which required us to rush him to the hospital by ambulance in the wee hours of the morning....grateful for priesthood blessings and for our wonderful specialist at Chapel Hill! Mikey and I spent 5 days in the hospital while he recovered from the virus bug he had and he bounced back wonderfully! His mother, however, is VERY VERY TIRED and worn down from the recent events but am finally starting to recover! Our annual vacation to Lakewood Camping Resort is a little over a month away and and I can HARDLY WAIT! I need some time to retreat, soak up some sun, spend time with my family and feel the solace that the ocean brings to me. I am very thankful for the blessings the Lord continually showers me with and for good friends who remind me of all the good things in my life! I went visiting teaching today and came home feeling not only grateful for the wonderful women I have the privilege of visiting teaching but for my adorable companion who I share a wonderful bond with. I am grateful for my fantastic husband who's strength never ceases to amaze me. His enthusiasm for his "crop circle" garden is infectious and we are all working together in our family to make it a success! Below is a picture of our growing garden...I'm so proud of it and look forward to getting lots of produce this summer! Bring on the canning....let the Summer begin!!!!

Uncomfortable!

Well, this morning reminded me once again why I HATE any type of tube! This morning Lauren's pump beeped off for me to flush her and when I went in to do so her bed was wet and I noticed that her med port on the j-tube had come undone! I immediately flushed her, closed her med port and started her feeds again. She was extremely pale and when we checked her bloodsugar, it was 32. We were able to rouse her but she was unable to focus or know what was going on around her. Jeff immediately gave her a blessing and I ran for the cake frosting. I couldn't find any at first so I poured some coke and we got it down her. Her bloodsugar didn't come up after a few minutes but went down a little instead...then we remembered the cupcakes...we scraped frosting off of them and Jeff forced her mouth open while we rubbed cake frosting in her cheeks. I was just getting ready to access her and give her D-50 when we checked another BS and it had come up into the 40's. We knew then that she was on her way back up. She was still not responding really well to us but we got her up and walked her to our room and she layed on our bed while I stripped hers and helped her change out of her wet pjs. I was so very frightened! After we saw she was back up to normal and I could take a breath again, I called Dr. Muenzer and told him about the events of the morning. He, like Jeff and I, is desperate to find a solution so this won't happen again. We came so close to losing her again this morning and after things calmed down I went into the bathroom, knelt down and thanked Heavenly Father for looking out for her and for priesthood power that exist in our home. I am thankful that Jeff honors his priesthood and is worthy to give blessings anytime day or night. My comfort level with this tube has gone way down and I will struggle to find a balance again. I will be up all night long checking on her because I will worry! Libbi was over at Momma's house and she came and spent the morning with me and Lauren while everyone else went to church. It was so comforting to me to have her here. I am blessed with a wonderful family. Jeff told me earlier he is more worried about me at this point because I am so stressed out. I know Heavenly Father is watching out for her and for that I am grateful but my mother's heart holds a lot of worry. I will try very hard to turn that fear to faith. I am thankful for the blessings of the gospel. They strengthen me in every way!

Settled!

Right now our life is somewhat settled and I am loving it!! Sometimes I spend so much time worrying about when the "other shoe" is going to drop that I don't enjoy the peaceful periods in our life; however, right now I am trying to focus on the present and enjoy each day! Lauren is doing amazingly well with the J-tube and her lab work reflects that! She still has migraines but we can't control them when weather fronts decide to come! We just have to work thru them! Michael is doing wonderful and he is happy which makes it great! This is Emily's last year of school and she is really finishing up strong! She takes her compass test on Wednesday to get into Wake Tech and she is going to get her massage therapy license and then continue on to get her degree in physical therapy. It is so great to see her taking control of her future and making plans. She is loving and compassionate and we are so thrilled with the wonderful young woman she is turning out to be! Life is good for her! Jeff is busy and happy at work and I am trying to do some "spring cleaning" to get my house in order! Right now we are enjoying this "peaceful" time and are grateful for the blessings the Lord continues to send into our lives daily. We feel the windows of Heaven opened to us in so many ways! Yes, life is good and I do not take that for granted...ever!!!

General Conference

Conference week end is always our favorite and we look forward to it twice a year! On those week-ends, we gather our family together, have a late breakfast, spread the blankets around and get comfortable and listen to the wise counsel we receive from our righteous leaders. Jeff always cooks out hamburgers and we make good desserts, Grandma and Gramps come over and we just enjoy being together as a family! It is our chance to take time out of our busy hectic lives and do what matters most. We were blessed this year to have Jacob and Brittany join us for all the sessions of conference and it was so much fun to hear Jacob's thoughts on the different speakers. We watched "Joseph Smith, the Prophet of the Restoration" in between sessions on Sunday and it reminded me of how thankful I am for what he did so I can have the blessings of the gospel today. I always hate for the week-end to end...I am uplifted and determined to try harder to live as Heavenly Father wants me to. I felt even more blessed this week-end as this was the first time in 2 years that my family was together for our tradional conference week-end...the last 2 years, I have been in the hospital with one of the kids and had to watch it on the computer so this was especially nice for me! I am reminded of things I need to do better and re-committed to the things I am already striving to do! There are wonderful blessing all around and I am thankful for a living a prophet to show us the way to make it safely back home!!!

NERVOUS!!!

Last night a member of our stake presidency called me and asked to me to take the assignment to speak at the Saturday night session of stake conference in 2 weeks! I am so nervous about it but honored to have the opportunity to speak. I will be spending much time praying, pondering and studying the topic I have been assigned! My only hope is that I will be able to have the spirit with me so that I can speak the things the Lord wants them to hear. I am grateful to share my testimony with others and am thankful for the blessings the Lord continues to pour into my life!

Family Update!

I don't ever send out christmas letters updating everyone on our family but I figured I would do that on the blog so that those that want to know how our family is doing can read it, and those that aren't interested don't have to click and read!!!

Jeff: 2010 proved to be a tough year for him with the economy being so unstable. He left CD Corp back in the spring, did some consulting work and then got a job offer to come back to Constrata in September. In January, he was asked to take the position of Operations Manager and is once again busy doing what he loves to do. It is nice to see him happy and fulfilled at work. He is also busy serving in his calling at church and loves serving the Lord! He keeps us all on track at home and sets a perfect example of Christlike love for us to follow. He is my rock!

Jean: 2010 kept me on an emotional roller coaster with so many changes in our family happening all at once. I spent many hours on my knees asking for divine guidance as we went thru job loss, hospitalizations and keeping our kids on track with school. Heavenly Father's hand has been upon our family though as we never went without a way to meet our obligations, had wonderful doctors taking care of the kids, and everyone is progressing in school as they should. The housework seems to never end and there is always something for me to worry over but 2011 has started with blessings being poured out from above so I am grateful more than anything! I love my family and being a mother and wife is the biggest blessing in my life.

Emily: This is her last year in highschool and I can hardly believe it! It seems like only yesterday when we sent her to kindergarten! Time goes by way too fast! She earned her YW Medallion in the fall of 2010 and we were so proud of all the hard work she did to accomplish it. She serves on the stake YAC and loves being involved with planning and carrying out events. She continues to maintain the highest standards and sets a perfect example for her brother and sister to follow. She is filled with compassion and we are so blessed to be her parents! She strengthens all those around her.

Lauren: 2010 was a very hard year for Lauren! She spent the month of March, the month of August, and half of September, October and most of November in the hospital. She struggled with unrelenting stomach pain and finally at the end of September the doctors discovered that her stomach muscles and nerves had quit functioning. She went thru much testing and finally surgery to place a j-tube to be fed continuously thru. She had some scary moments in the hospital but was well taken care of and loved by the wonderful staff of Nurses at UNC Children's. Her doctors are amazing and fuss over her like she is their own. Since she has been home, she has steadily improved and her faith and testimony of the power of prayer and the priesthood have increased tremendously. She has had courage in the face of fear and overcome all the obstacles that were in front of her. Just this past week we were told that her labs were the best they have ever been. She is clearly being blessed by the Lord. So happy to see her healthy and happy!

Michael: In 2010 he turned 12 and received the Aaronic Priesthood. It was a wonderful blessing for us to see him worthy to hold the priesthood and a blessing to see him pass the sacrament and learn his duties as a deacon! He loves scouting and his happy, optimistic view on life is contageous! He continues to wow us with his ability to write and he loves to read all the time. He gave his first sacrament talk a few weeks ago and blew us away with his understanding of the scriptures! We are blessed to have such a joyful son in our home!

Noah: He is not with us physically but he made his presence known to us this year as he watched over his sister. When she had a medical crisis, he was there to comfort and assure her that all was well! His powerful influence and example in our lives brings us peace and we look forward to the day when we will be reunited with him! So thankful to be an eternal family!

Well, there you have it....the happenings in the Coombs household! We are continually striving to be a little better each day. Sometimes we take great strides forward and sometimes we take baby steps but we are always trying to move closer and closer to the Lord. We are feeling the windows of Heaven opening to our family and the blessings being poured out in great abundance! For that we are more than grateful! We love all of our family and friends and feel extremely blessed to be part of all your lives...you make us better and we are grateful!

Happy New Year 2011!

I have been thinking over the past year and what goals I had set to see if I actually completed any of them. I did complete a few, which made me happy, and I am determined to do better this year. My goals for this year are as follows:

SPIRITUAL:

1. Read the Book of Mormon 4 times (a yearly goal).

2. Read the Sunday School Lesson each week and ponder it thru the week.

3. Read the Ensign each month.

4. Go to the temple at least twice a month.

5. Fast monthly.

6. Pray Daily!

7. Complete Visiting Teaching each month...100%.

PHYSICAL:

1. Follow the Weight Watcher Plan and journal food intake each week - strive to lose 1 to 2 lbs. a week.

2. Do some type of physical exercise each day working up to 45 minutes a day.

3. Get a proper amount of sleep each day (even if I need to take a nap).

TEMPORAL:

1. Plan healthy meals each week and budget that amount of money.

2. Save at least $5.00 a week.

3. No "spontaneous" spending.

4. Work on building up food storage by buying a storage item each week.

I know these seem like lofty goals but I am determined to reach them. I want to stretch myself this year and work hard to become the best me that I can be. I am thankful for the power of prayer and how it helps me when I feel like I can't reach higher. I am thankful for the blessings that have poured out to us this year and I know the Lord is always aware of my family. I am thankful for His guidance and I know that in this new year, He will continue to guide me and help me be all that I can be! HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Lauren's "Reporting" Debut!

Lauren got the opportunity to report from behind the scenes at the UNC Radio/Telethon this year...since she was already in the hospital, it was easy for her to do! She had a wonderful day and we wanted to share with everyone her reporting experience! We are so proud of her...she did a fabulous job!!!

Missing Noah....

Last night after Emily put my beautiful white tablecloth on my little table and sat Noah's tree on it, I began to decorate it. For whatever reason, it seemed particularly teary for me this year. With each ornament I hung on his tree the tears welled up more and more inside of me. Every ornament on that tree has some very real signifigance for me and as I looked at each one, I pondered over the person that gave it to him and what memory it brought back to them...there was the little sack of table salt, the golf cart, the camper, the "Cars" cars, the computer, the angel ornaments, the M&M, the toy ones, the white shirt with the missionary tag, and all evoked an emotional response from me but there were two that opened the floodgates...one was a silver one that said "2007" and it had red crystals on it...it had come with a note and it was beautiful and brought me to tears as I read it and remembered that that year will always be one that will only be remembered by me as the year my world turned upside down..then I looked at the red crystals and read the note and it reminded me that Christ will bring Noah back to me..then I smiled. The other were a handful of rainbow colored candycanes that also came with a note..I reread that note after I carefully hung each candycane and the tears came as I thought about Noah's "rainbow shirt" and how much he loved it...I could hardly ever get him to take it off long enough for me to wash it...then I thought about him running around in that shirt and the tears turned to laughter. Every year after I hang those ornaments, I re-read the notes...they are vivid reminders to me of how loved my precious Noah is and how he is still missed by not only me but others as well. Noah's tree is a constant reminder of not only him but of all the love that that tree respresents....it's an expression to me of how his life touched so many others and his memory and his legacy will go on and on and on. I sat down by my little tree last night with all the lights out and only the little "rainbow lights" on his tree shining and my eyes glazed over with tears as I thought about my precious boy....it was quiet in my house and then I looked down at the table where I had set everything up and under the tree was the plaque that was given me last year....it says, "because someone we love is in Heaven, we feel Heaven in our home" and I thought, "yes, that is so very true....he is always near". It was my quiet, reflective time...my time to just spend with Noah...how I miss him. I miss his smile, his laughter, his beautiful brown eyes and his gentle touch. I miss the sound of his voice as he would call my name and his delight over the smallest things. Yes, he is here...he is always near. I know that now more than I have ever known it.....everyone may only see a family of five when they see us but we are most definitely a family of six....he watches over us and although I can't see or hear him, I know he sees and hears me so I know he hears me when I talk to him. Merry Christmas my Noah...you are definitely my angel and will always be.

Thanksgiving/Black Friday!

I am so VERY VERY GRATEFUL that we were able to come home with Lauren from the hospital on Tuesday and that made for a very Happy Thanksgiving at our house! Since Lauren is now on 24 hour continuous feeds it is making her feel much better and her mother much more nervous...since we came home, I get up every hour or so throughout the night to check the tubing, bloodsugars, add more formula, flush the j-tube and so forth. We have put some safeguards in place and are working on others but in the meantime, I am just so glad to be home in my own environment with my family!!! I ALWAYS go Black Friday shopping with Momma and Emily so even though I am really tired, I still HAD to go! I slipped down one step yesterday (don't even ask me how because I don't know...) and my foot bent in half underneath me. At first it hurt like heck but I thought it would go away and I was determined a few hours later to go ahead with my shopping plan. We left the house at 11 pm on Thursday evening, hit Wal-Mart first then moved onto the other stores and I arrived back at home at 7 am this morning....needless to say my foot was THROBBING and when I took my sock off I knew I had done more damage than I thought! I did, however, get the bargins I went hunting for with the help from the son of a woman I met in line...bless him! It was another fun time (even with the foot pain) and I'm hoping my insistence at going out on Black Friday has not ended up with a broken bone in my foot! I love being home though and so glad my Lauren is feeling better! It's been a long 2 months with lots of emotional rollercoaster ups and downs but this year I cannot be more thankful for my wonderful family and the blessings that are mine...the Lord has blessed us to be home and Lauren to be on the road to recovery! Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!! :)

Emily and I on our way out the door

Shopping in Wal-Mart

My "hero" of the day, Trevor

Waiting in the checkout line

My poor swollen aching foot