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Thursday, September 30, 2010

Weary.....

Well, we have now been in the hospital with Lauren a little over a week and will probably be here for at least a few more weeks! My emmotions have been a roller coaster as I have met with her doctors and I have listed to their thought process and their concerns for Lauren. It has been difficult at times for me to hear their concerns but they know that I have to know what road lies ahead. I just have to keep having faith in the Lord and know that He is in control! They have started Lauren on the Nd feeds and are slowly increasing the rate each day! So far things are going okay. She had a good day yesterday and was up and out a lot but last night she was tired and achy and didn't feel well. Her blood sugars were dropping a little more than I wanted to see them so I had them up her rate until I saw them get back up a little. They gave her some muscle relaxants to relax her muscles last night and that seemed to help her fall asleep. She slept peacefully thru the night. I am thankful that things are looking up but I am also cautiously optimistic. Dr. Muenzer said last night that this is going to be a slow process and we will probably be here from 2 more weeks to a month if everything goes as they hope it will. I am continuing to pray for Lauren to be able to tolerate these feeds, for Dr. Muenzer to keep everyone on the same page, for the GI doctors to be directed in how they care for Lauren, and for Jeff and I to have peace and feel the direction of the Lord. This is a difficult period of time we are going thru and I am thankful for the many prayers that are being offered up in behalf of my precious Lauren and our whole family!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Selfless.....

Even though Lauren is fighting not only a bloodstream infection (which can completely wear you out), she is also battling this horrible stomach pain which is causing her not to be able to eat, yet she went to her nurse the other day (when she was also running a high fever) and told them that she wanted to make me a birthday cake for my birthday. The recreational therapist got involved and this afternoon after Lauren was upstairs in the recreational teen room for a couple of hours (after an exhausting day of testing), she came down carrying this chocolate cake that they had helped her make for my birthday. I was so overwhelmed that I could barely speak without crying....it was one of the most unselfish things Lauren has ever done. As hard as it is for me to be up here on my birthday, to know that even though she doesn't feel good, her heart was thinking of me, made my heart burst. I'm so blessed to have my children and for the joy they bring to my heart! I am so thankful for my little girl who put her needs to the side to try and celebrate this day for me. I love my Lauren!!!


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Seeking, Pondering, Praying

Sometimes writing is what I do when I feel out of sorts so this is that kind of post. The last few weeks have been challenging not only for Lauren but for us as a family. Jeff and I really thought that bringing Lauren home from the hospital when we did was the right decision to make even though she was still struggling to overcome her stomach pain and eat again. I felt like once I got her home, then she would start eating but that didn't happen. We continued to force what we could down her and I pondered and wondered if we had made the right decision. Each day brought with it a different challenge and on some days it was all we could do to get liquid of any form down her. I fought back feelings of returning to the hospital and even though I accessed her port a cath and kept it accessed because I was worried about her becoming hypoglycemic, I still tried hard to keep her home. But watching her spiral downward was becoming more than I could bear and the emotional toll was weighing heavily on me. Finally this past week-end, I knew we had to do something as she was not making any progress and really going backwards. By Sunday night, Lauren had reached her breaking point. She cried with Jeff and I and told us how she didn't feel like she could continue struggling the way she was...she was exhausted. We talked endlessly to her of the love her Father in Heaven has for her and how He will never leave her to struggle alone. We asked her to pray and ponder and then the Lord would whisper to her what to do to overcome this monumental challenge. Jeff and I both felt helpless and I fled to the bathroom, dropped to my knees and cried many tears to the Lord in behalf of my little girl who was struggling to overcome the mountain that lay in front of her. The next morning I called Dr. Muenzer and he became insistent that she come in but I just didn't know if I could take another hospital visit. I began to pray and ponder then I turned to my family and friends and asked for their prayers in our behalf. We all felt like we had come to the end of our road and were hitting a brick wall. I felt defeated and alone....when Jeff and I talked, we both were unclear about what to do but we decided that if we trusted Dr. Muenzer then we had to follow his recommendations to us....I didn't sleep well Monday night because I replayed over and over in my mind what having a tube of any kind down Lauren might mean. It made me physcially sick and I prayed for strength to overcome my great fears. Jeff and I were both awake early yesterday morning and we talked for a while. I felt some peace return to me in his arms and I knew that whatever else, we had to do what was best for Lauren. She needed us to be strong for her and help her. Dr. Muenzer called me early Tuesday morning to tell me that they had a room for Lauren and she needed to come in. I got up and took a shower feeling a heavy weight on me and then I got a phone call from Becky...she asked me for Kim's number and said that she wanted to hold a 30 day fast for Lauren. She would get Kim to organize my family to fast each day and then our other friends would fill up the rest. She reminded me that we were not walking this road alone and that Heavenly Father would answer our pleas. It brought me to tears and I knelt in prayer with an overwhelming feeling of graititude in my heart. As I was packing to come, Lauren woke up from a nap and had fever....I knew then in my heart that coming back to the hospital was the right thing. I was so tired coming back in and the nurses up here on 6childrens were so overwhelmingly loving and kind. They have a deep love for Lauren and they knew how stressful things have been for our family. I was grateful for their love and compassion....they definitely make these hospital visits easier to deal with. We found out today that Lauren does have an infection in her bloodstream and they are running all kinds of IV antibiotics to her. It is a wrinkle in our plan but we will deal with it. It has definitely made my 4 or 5 day hospital stay turn into a 2 week minimum hospital stay...I'm not thrilled about that but definitely glad we are able to treat it. I'm not looking foward to them putting down an ng tube or having to do any kind of permanent tube...that is very difficult for me but the Lord is helping me to overcome that as I need to have Lauren better and whatever that takes, that is what we will do. I know the Lord hears our prayers and I pray he forgives my slackness at times because lately I have been more tired than normal and I need to work harder at doing all I can to live the gospel. Dr. Muenzer told me this afternoon that we are still facing an uphill battle and we are far from over but at least right now I feel the Lord's strengthening hand in my life and I know it is coming because of the multitude of prayers being offered in behalf of my family. There is no way I can possibly thank everyone for their love and support. I only hope they all know how much it means to me to have a wonderful family and fantastic friends whose love and support I could not live without. They make all our challenges easier because we know we do not walk alone.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Back to Normal???

Well, this week has been my week to get my act together and try to get our family back on a "normal" schedule. This last month our whole life seems to have been tumbling upside down and I have not been able to keep it all under control...BUT...this week, I was determined to get things together (in my mind at least) so I made a plan...I love to make a plan because at least I FEEL like I am doing something productive. Each day I decided to do a little something to get us back on track. Jeff started his new job this week, Emily gets up before dawn and goes to seminary so I put my "plan" to get things organized into action. I sat for several hours on Monday at the computer putting my lesson plans for the school year into a calendar format so I would know what we would need to accomplish each day. I cleaned the kitchen, the bathrooms, the laundry room, caught up the laundry and gave my kids a list of things to accomplish, studied for my seminary class and taught it on Wednesday evening (even though Lauren was the only one who came so we made Michael participate..hehe)! I even managed to get Lauren to sit with me while we cleaned up her "art space" (a HUGE accomplishment) so I was feeling like life was getting back to normal and then today hit and it reminded me what our "normal" is....I fixed breakfast and actually got Lauren to eat some grits (her favorite breakfast food) but they didn't stay down but a few minutes...that started us on a downward bloodsugar spiral that ended up with me accessing her port and praying that we would not be going to the hospital yet again! After I watched her closely for hours and checked umpteen bloodsugars all while doing school with Emily and Michael, finding time to do the laundry, keep the house in order, check in with Dr. Muenzer to give him an update on Lauren and beg him to let me watch her at home, "listen" to my scriptures while I ironed some clothes, cook dinner and send Jeff off to do something for one of home/visiting teaching families, I sat down and realized that this is what normal is to us and I might as well just enjoy it..haha! I still have more studying to do to prepare for seminary next week and I am up late waiting to give cornstarch but my prayers tonight were full of thanksgiving...for Jeff having a good job, for Lauren being able to maintain her bloodsugar control, for having the energy to clean my house, cook dinner, do homeschooling and for the opportunity to serve another person. My life may not be what other people consider "normal" but it sure is wonderful to me and I am thankful for my "abbynormal" (as Jeff calls it) life! It constantly reminds me of my dependence on the Lord and for that I am extremely grateful!!! :)

Friday, September 10, 2010

Thankful!!!

As I write this my eyes are watering because I am so grateful to Heavenly Father for answers to my prayers. I wonder sometimes why we aren't given things immediately when we pray for them but I do know that Heavenly Father hears our prayers and answers them in His wisdom and timing. This past week, I have been so discouraged that even when I turned to my scriptures, even though they gave me peace, I didn't see how we were going to survive yet another downturn in our economic situation. Jeff and I sat in the temple together and we prayed together, as a family, and individually for direction and for a way to open up. There just seemed to be nothing...and then out of nowhere, Jeff's old boss called him and wanted to talk...Jeff went and today he sent Jeff an e-mail that they want to hire him back. He will be going to talk with Bruce on Monday. It isn't the perfect scenario but it surely is a huge blessing for us at this point in our lives and I could not be more grateful to Heavenly Father for lighting a path that seemed so dark just a few days ago. I know that if we just keep having faith, even when that faith seems so weak, that Heavenly Father will bless and sustain us. I know that as we continue in faith, the Lord will pour out his blessings upon us and we will feel the windows of Heaven continue to open. My heart is full of gratitude. Thank you all for your prayers in our behalf...once again, the Lord has never let us down...my testimony of His ultimate power continues to grow! I know this job came as a result of many prayers and much faith! I am very thankful!!!

Monday, September 06, 2010

Home at last!

Just a quick post to let everyone know who reads my blog that we are finally home from the hospital. After praying and pondering about what to do, Jeff and I sat down with the doctors and we made a really hard push to get Lauren home. I was a little worried at first that I might be pushing her too hard but everytime I prayed, I felt that it was right so we forged ahead, and with relatively no problems (which the doctors were sure we were going to encounter), we were out of the hospital within 24 hours of our decision to make a big push! Jeff and I were pleasantly surprised on Sunday afternoon when Lauren started eating "real" food again and she has done amazingly well! She is regaining her strength and we can tell the Lord is blessing her in many ways. I am so thankful for the power of prayer and that when I really stop and listen, the Lord allows me to feel my decisions regarding her are right. Jeff and I stood united with the doctors and felt strengthened as we worked together on the right plan. Thank you all for your prayers and love. We have felt them very strongly and appreciate your continued support of our family! So glad to be home and getting somewhat back to normal!!!