Seeking, Pondering, Praying

Sometimes writing is what I do when I feel out of sorts so this is that kind of post. The last few weeks have been challenging not only for Lauren but for us as a family. Jeff and I really thought that bringing Lauren home from the hospital when we did was the right decision to make even though she was still struggling to overcome her stomach pain and eat again. I felt like once I got her home, then she would start eating but that didn't happen. We continued to force what we could down her and I pondered and wondered if we had made the right decision. Each day brought with it a different challenge and on some days it was all we could do to get liquid of any form down her. I fought back feelings of returning to the hospital and even though I accessed her port a cath and kept it accessed because I was worried about her becoming hypoglycemic, I still tried hard to keep her home. But watching her spiral downward was becoming more than I could bear and the emotional toll was weighing heavily on me. Finally this past week-end, I knew we had to do something as she was not making any progress and really going backwards. By Sunday night, Lauren had reached her breaking point. She cried with Jeff and I and told us how she didn't feel like she could continue struggling the way she was...she was exhausted. We talked endlessly to her of the love her Father in Heaven has for her and how He will never leave her to struggle alone. We asked her to pray and ponder and then the Lord would whisper to her what to do to overcome this monumental challenge. Jeff and I both felt helpless and I fled to the bathroom, dropped to my knees and cried many tears to the Lord in behalf of my little girl who was struggling to overcome the mountain that lay in front of her. The next morning I called Dr. Muenzer and he became insistent that she come in but I just didn't know if I could take another hospital visit. I began to pray and ponder then I turned to my family and friends and asked for their prayers in our behalf. We all felt like we had come to the end of our road and were hitting a brick wall. I felt defeated and alone....when Jeff and I talked, we both were unclear about what to do but we decided that if we trusted Dr. Muenzer then we had to follow his recommendations to us....I didn't sleep well Monday night because I replayed over and over in my mind what having a tube of any kind down Lauren might mean. It made me physcially sick and I prayed for strength to overcome my great fears. Jeff and I were both awake early yesterday morning and we talked for a while. I felt some peace return to me in his arms and I knew that whatever else, we had to do what was best for Lauren. She needed us to be strong for her and help her. Dr. Muenzer called me early Tuesday morning to tell me that they had a room for Lauren and she needed to come in. I got up and took a shower feeling a heavy weight on me and then I got a phone call from Becky...she asked me for Kim's number and said that she wanted to hold a 30 day fast for Lauren. She would get Kim to organize my family to fast each day and then our other friends would fill up the rest. She reminded me that we were not walking this road alone and that Heavenly Father would answer our pleas. It brought me to tears and I knelt in prayer with an overwhelming feeling of graititude in my heart. As I was packing to come, Lauren woke up from a nap and had fever....I knew then in my heart that coming back to the hospital was the right thing. I was so tired coming back in and the nurses up here on 6childrens were so overwhelmingly loving and kind. They have a deep love for Lauren and they knew how stressful things have been for our family. I was grateful for their love and compassion....they definitely make these hospital visits easier to deal with. We found out today that Lauren does have an infection in her bloodstream and they are running all kinds of IV antibiotics to her. It is a wrinkle in our plan but we will deal with it. It has definitely made my 4 or 5 day hospital stay turn into a 2 week minimum hospital stay...I'm not thrilled about that but definitely glad we are able to treat it. I'm not looking foward to them putting down an ng tube or having to do any kind of permanent tube...that is very difficult for me but the Lord is helping me to overcome that as I need to have Lauren better and whatever that takes, that is what we will do. I know the Lord hears our prayers and I pray he forgives my slackness at times because lately I have been more tired than normal and I need to work harder at doing all I can to live the gospel. Dr. Muenzer told me this afternoon that we are still facing an uphill battle and we are far from over but at least right now I feel the Lord's strengthening hand in my life and I know it is coming because of the multitude of prayers being offered in behalf of my family. There is no way I can possibly thank everyone for their love and support. I only hope they all know how much it means to me to have a wonderful family and fantastic friends whose love and support I could not live without. They make all our challenges easier because we know we do not walk alone.