A Growing Light...

About a month ago....right after I went thru another very painful period in July having to deal with not only the anniversary of Noah's death but also his birthday, I came to understand that for the last 2 years my life has essentially been on hold. I have strattled that unseen line between this world and the next....wanting to take care of my children here and wanting to see and take care of my precious Noah in the other world. It has expended my energy, consumed my thoughts and taken part of me away from my family. The last two years I have just struggled to stay afloat and function as best I could. I thought that I was doing well but as I have continually prayed, pondered, read my scriptures and gone to the temple I suddenly looked around me a couple of weeks ago and realized how much my world had turned upside down. I think all the praying, pondering, reading, and attending the temple was what helped me to function and keep moving foward but I didn't realize how much it was bringing me to the place I am today. My eyes were opened and I looked at how much I have allowed my grief to take over who I am. I know this may sound trite...I don't mean it to be...but my house has been in disarray, my kids have largely functioned daily with me kinda sitting on the sidelines. Jeff has had to take on many more responsibilities that should be mine and I have had no energy or even a desire to get up and put things in order! I realized without really knowing it that I had slipped into some type of protection mode and just was wandering thru life. When my eyes finally were opened and I could see more clearly, I knelt down and asked Heavenly Father to help me find my way back....I sat down right then and made plans for the school year at home with the kids, I got up and put my house in order and set a schedule for us to live by. I began to get up very early so I could spend time alone in the mornings with my scriptures and I asked Jeff to give me a blessing to ask Heavenly Father to give me the physical strength and stamina that I needed to get my life in the right place. The last two years have been full of not only grief and pain but seemingly overwhelming challenges with Lauren and Michael's health as well. We have had long, extended hospital stays that have kept me on an emotional roller coaster and I have watched Lauren struggle to get hold of herself after facing the devastating loss of her brother and having to come to grips with her own struggle with GSD. It has been difficult and yet it has brought me to my knees and made me humble myself and ask for the Lord's guiding hand. I have felt his gentle whisperings and his guidance. I have seen him help Jeff move our family forward. I have felt much peace as I turned to my scriptures and at every temple session I attend, I can feel the overwhelming love that my precious Noah has for our family. I have felt his joy as we move closer and closer to our Father in Heaven and I have come to understand what truly submitting my will to Heavenly Father's means. I have found that thru this intense pain, I have found the absolute unwavering devotion to my Heavenly Father and feel a much deeper sense of love and gratitude for my Savior's sacrifice for me. I have come to love the simple beauty of the plan of salvation and I have come to understand that this life truly is a very small part of eternity. I have developed a stronger, deeper bond with Jeff and together we have learned to put complete faith and trust in Heavenly Father's will in our lives. All of this horrible heartache and pain has also brought with it some of the richest blessings I will ever experience in this life. I would not trade the relationship I have now with my Heavenly Father for anything and I don't know if I could have gained the great faith I am trying to maintain without having had to live thru this. I am watching Noah's incredible spirit touch lives as we tell others of him and we share our testimonies with them of Noah's life and our gratitude for the gospel. We are filled with joy as we see the light of Christ begin to shine in their eyes and we are profoundly grateful to have the opportunity to share the gospel of Jesus Christ and give others the opportunity to have in their lives the beauty of the gospel that we have. In the midst of all this pain, we have experienced a joy that is indescribable! Once Heavenly Father opened my eyes and has allowed me to see what growth we have experienced then things in my life began to be light again. My ability to serve my family is increasing and my physical strength is returning. I miss Noah everyday of my life but I can finally see what Heavenly Father has been teaching me all along. Noah's mission was to gain a body and teach us what pure love is...he has now returned with honor and wants nothing more than for us to share that love with each other and others. He is waiting for us and he will always be in our lives. We will have him for eternity and though my heart longs for him everyday, I can clearly see that he wants me to lift up my head and continue moving forward with faith. He wants his dad and I to never give up and to teach his brother and sisters the simple, beautiful truths of the gospel. He wants us to hold to the iron rod and never walk away from what we hold most dear. He is waiting, he is teaching, he is preparing for each of us. We will not disappoint him. We will continually pray for strength thru trials and for the blessings of Heaven to rest upon us. We will never give up and move forward with faith in every footstep. I can finally see clearly the lessons that Heavenly Father has wanted me to learn. I will strive for more faith, more knowledge and more trust in His will for me. I am thankful for the power of prayer and the strength of the temple. It has been a lamp unto my feet.