Random thoughts....

While I am waiting up to give Lauren and Michael cornstarch I have some time and I thought I might just write down some thoughts that have been on my mind the last month. July turned out to be an incredibly difficult month for me which came as somewhat of a surprise to me. I have learned over the last two years though that it happens that way when I am not prepared to deal with the emotions. It has turned me somewhat upside down and I find myself struggling to get my footing back and turning to my scriptures for guidance and a renewal of my faith. I started off the month on vacation and that was wonderful but as always when the 6th of July rolled around, it brought with it a flood of memories and thus began my spiral downward. I tried so very hard to not give in to the tears and sadness but it soon became apparant that I was going to have to let the emotions come and deal with them. So many times I don't express to anyone when the hurt and pain of Noah's death overwhelm me and I go to my bedroom, shut and lock the door, and get on my kness and cry. I talk with Heavenly Father and I stay in my room until I can get over it then I wash my face, reapply my makeup and leave my room with a forced smile so no one will know. But somehow this last month nothing I did could replace the profound sadness that came over me. I went to the cemetary and looked at Noah's headstone and the tears came easily. I walked outside and let my thoughts wander hoping I could shake the somber mood but it just wouldn't lift. Michael and Noah's birthday rolled around and the day brought with it a flood of tears that morning, a forced happy mood that afternoon and evening, and a long prayer to help me get thru it all. I kept wondering why I just couldn't shake it .... it has been 2 years now... shouldn't I be "healed" as time has marched on? Then I realized the other night when I cried after my prayer with Jeff and I told him how I had been feeling....it's okay to cry, it's okay to still miss my baby, Jeff and I will never feel "complete" on this earth again and my heart will always have a space that is empty and longing. But..as Jeff told me, we go forward with faith because each step we take forward, we move closer to Noah. I know now that I will always have moments, or days, or maybe even weeks when the pain of not having Noah on this earth will be great and I have to let them come, deal with them and then move forward. I have found myself this past month wanting to remember every little detail about Noah...I have looked over and over again at his pictures, reliving special moments in my thoughts, opening the desk drawer in our room where I still keep a little pair of his socks and taking them out and rubbing them on my cheek, taking down the molds of his handprints and footprints and touching them over and over with my fingers so I can feel the little lines that were in his hands and feet. I touch each toe and each finger...the pain is real and seering and the tears stream down my cheeks and I can hardly catch my breath because the memories are so thick. Then I put it all back and I wipe my tears and call Jeff. I hear his voice and I know everything is going to be ok. He will come home and he will take me in his arms and he will let me have my memories and my tears and he will wipe them away and then we will pray and we will talk about Noah and we will laugh and my mood lightens and I move on. This was a hard month...one full of pain and now it is behind me and I will lock these feelings up for a while until they resurface again and I have to deal with them. This is how it is on my personal journey thru grief and I am learning that it's okay to have bad days, or bad weeks, or a bad month. I am learning that I am never alone even when I feel that way and that when I pick up my scriptures the peace returns and in my mind I see Noah dressed in white and he is smiling and he is happy and he is Celestial and I promise to strive harder to live the gospel more fully and be more obedient. I ponder and I am filled with gratitude that Heavenly Father sent him to me. Another step on this long road I never wanted to have to walk but I know that I do not walk alone.