ONE YEAR....One very very long year.....

One year, 52 weeks, 365 days...I can hardly believe that a whole year has gone by and I haven't seen, touched, or felt the sweet smell of my precious little Noah. As I write this the tears begin to fall. I have learned a lot about grief in this past year. I have learned that you don't go thru these neat little stages one at a time. Grief comes in waves and it comes when you least expect it. It has come when I have been walking in Wal-Mart and seen a monster truck that Noah didn't have yet, anything with Cars on it, pajamas I would have picked out for him. It has come in the Dollar Tree when I have seen the smiley face balloons and remembered how I could never go in there without coming out with one because Noah just had to have one. It has come when I have been riding down the road and seen the "oreo" cows that Noah loved so much on the side of the road or turned on my 80's cd and I could hear Noah saying to "turn on the new radio Momma, turn on the new radio". It has come at 3:00 in the morning when I just opened my eyes and sleep left me and I would cry the rest of the night. It has come at church when I have seen other mothers sitting with their children Noah's age and trying to get them to be still. It has come during the day when I am cleaning the house and I run across a stray toy, a stray sock, a little cup or spoon. It has come when I have been at family gatherings and knew that there was one missing from the chaos. It has come when I walked on the beach at Lakewood Campground or rode in the golf cart and knew how much Noah loved being there. It has come at all different times and sometimes it is so overwhelming I can hardly speak or catch my breath. Other times it comes softly and tears gently fall. It has never left me for 365 days. It has been my constant and most unwelcome companion. Then in this last year I have found my faith...it has plunged me forward, it has gotten me up in the mornings, helped me make it thru the days, been my constant source of strength and my most welcome friend. I have found solace and peace as I have sat in the Celestial Room of the temple and asked for strength. I have found comfort and peace in Jeff's arms and in his unwavering faith. I have found bits of joy in my other children as I have watched them progress this year as they have found their faith and had their testimonies strengthened. I have found what the meaning of true friendship is as there have been those that have walked with me every step...have held my hand, cried with me, rejoiced with me, held me up when I couldn't stand, sat in the temple with me, and run to my defense at every turn. To you who have walked with me, cried with me, listened to me, called when I so desperately needed you, and gone as far on this road as you could go with me...thank you...you have made this year easier to bear because you were here no matter what and I love you with all my heart. This year has been full of seemingly overwhelming challenges and yet there have been moments when I could truly feel the Savior very near. I have cried on my knees for help, for comfort and told the Lord I could go no further and He has answered me with comforting peace. I have put my hand in Jeff's and together we have walked with faith, with hope and with the knowledge that we KNOW we will see our precious little boy again and we will raise him. I have learned to go forward and put my trust in the Lord even though I can't see what is ahead. I have learned that all the hurting has not overwhelmed all the joy I have had of having Noah. I have learned that faith is more than just believing, that it takes action, it takes courage and it has required me to keep going even when I just wanted to stop. I have learned that strength comes from within and it takes a lot of praying, fasting, and getting up and doing to find it. I have learned that the most precious things I have on this earth is my family and no matter what we will always be together. I have learned to trust in the Lord's will and accept it no matter how hard. Most of all I have found that my memories have sustained me and helped me to keep going. My beloved Noah will always be with us whereever we go. I feel his presence so often with me. I can close my eyes and see his beautiful smile. I can stop and feel his hand in mine sometimes and it makes me smile! I know in my heart that each step I take in doing what is right is one step closer I am coming to Noah. I miss him more than I can put into words and this past year I have found that the closer I am to the Lord, the closer I am to Noah. He will always be my baby and I will always be able to close my eyes and see his beautiful brown eyes and his great big smile. I hope no one will ever forget my rambunctious, beaming, beautiful, and oft times screaming meemee, precious little boy. He is moving forward and I know he wants us to do the same. I love you, Noah....you are forevermore my baby and you are always in my heart.