My thoughts

I listened to a talk today by Elder Holland entitled, "Remember Lot's Wife"! It was such an inspiring talk for me and one that I needed to hear. He gave it on January 13th at a BYU Devotional. He spoke of the importance of looking to the future with faith. He said that faith is always pointed towards the future and that sometimes we doubt the Lord's ability to give us better than what we have had in the past. We have to put our total trust and faith in the Lord and He will guide us. With all that has happened in my family the last 2 years I have had to take giant steps into the darkness and trust in my Heavenly Father and His plan. It has not been easy for me to let go of my hurt and walk steadily into the unknown future giving up the plans that I had made for my family. It has been hard for me to accept and find peace in the knowledge that I will never as a mother have all of my children together on this earth again. I know one day I will have a great reunion with my baby and my family will finally be together again but until that day the pain is seering at times. I look at my children and see them growing up so fast. Sometimes I feel like the days when they were very small slipped by too quickly because I was so involved in making sure their medical needs were cared for that I missed the fun part of them being little. I see Emily so grown and look back at the years that have flown by and the moments that I can never have back. I guess me not feeling well physically is bringing out my emotions as well. I pray to Heavenly Father and ask him to forgive me for letting precious moments in their lives slip by because I was preoccupied and worried about much. I sometimes wish I could have some moments back and redo them but I can't. Elder Holland's talk reminded me that Heavenly Father looks at where we are now and not where we have been...for that I am grateful. I guess I am just pondering things tonight. Jeff and the girls went to the temple and so I have had some reflective time with just Mikey. I am grateful for my blessings because I have many. I know one day that all the hurt and pain that I feel on this earth will be made right. I know that the day will come if Iam worthy that I will be able to take Noah and gather with the rest of my family and it will be sweet. Until then I just have to look forward with faith and trust in the Lord's timing for it is always right. I do know that.