2010

Some days I can hardly believe that it is 2010 already...time seems to be speeding up....sometimes I think it goes too fast and then other times it seems too slow. I was looking at my kids tonight and I realized that they are almost grown...it made me want to cry. I have always said that I would be glad when my kids got older but now that they are I wish for those moments when they were small back again...I know there are no "do overs"...I would have been a much better mommy. I have a lot of regrets...I wish I would have been better at parenting. Now the time is slipping from me and I can only pray that my children will grow up to be God fearing, caring, responsible adults. I guess I am also having one of my "Noah" moments...the new year seems to always bring them...I know everyone thinks about him occasionaly still but for me, he is always at the front of my thoughts. Oh, I have dealt with the pain and I carry it with me...most times I do it very well, but tonight, I don't wish to do that...I want to think about him and how if he were still here my Michael would have someone to play with and laugh with....seems like I not only got cheated out of getting to have Noah here but Michael got cheated at having a best friend in the house all the time....life doesn't always seem fair. But..that is life, isn't it...ups and downs and twists and turns. Sometimes I would like those twists and turns to be good ones...the last few years we have had twists and turns that have tested our faith and our resolve. I would like a few years of twists and turns that pour out blessings but then I wouldn't grow and learn so I need to be thankful for the challenges...they keep me moving forward and focused. I just really wish tonight that I would be allowed a peek, just a peek, behind the veil and see my son...if only I could just have a peek...time to get out my scriptures and read and ponder...