Sometimes....

Sometimes there are no words to express the feelings in my heart....there are many times I experience things while Lauren is in the hospital that squeeze my heart and bring me many tears but I rarely share those times....sometimes because they are sacred, sometimes because they are too tender to share, and sometimes there is no way to express those feelings in words. I oft times use too many words and I think about Noah when he would say, "no more words, Mommy"...sometimes, we just have to trust in the Lord and walk forward with blind, total faith. Those times are hard and each step is painful and at sometime in the future, we will understand.....but for now there are no words.....

Emotional....

I know we come to the hospital a lot and I am grateful for all the love and help that we receive from so many, especially everyone on 6 childrens at UNC Childrens. They are wonderful and amazing and my heart is always touched by their outpouring of love and attention to Lauren. I am also very thankful for her fantastic doctor who fusses over her as if she was his own..they are true blessings; however there are also reasons why I HATE coming into the hospital....it always stirs up painful memories for me. I do not like seeing my child in pain and having to watch that process and feeling helpless is very hard for me and the pain of losing Noah always bubbles right back up to the surface and my emotions can easily erupt...I hate that! I try so hard to keep everything in perspective but there is always that moment when things are calm during the night that the tears come and the pain returns. I deal with it like I always do but somedays, like today, my heart feels tender and as I look at other little ones on the floor, I long to be able to hug and see my little boy. It's just a wish and then I manage to tuck the pain back inside and move ahead again. Hospitals bring out my emotions and I don't always like having to deal with them while I am trying to get Lauren better. I'll be glad when we are finally able to go home again!